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Questions & Answers - Behavior Concerns
I am seeking advice concerning the behavior of my son. He will
be three years in a few months. He has been exhibiting a few �red
flag� behaviors. He has not attended day care, and is not around
other children on a regular basis. If he is in a setting with other
children, he is very apprehensive at first, but will usually warm up
and play. From the ages of approximately 8 months up to 2 years, he
had horrible bouts of separation anxiety (on and off) � as a result,
I was terrified at the thought of putting him into a daycare
setting. I work part time and go to school, and I depend on his
father�s mom to babysit. She has been a constant in his life.
Recently, she took a trip to visit her other grandson, and was gone
for a week. Upon her return, my son has been extremely clingy to me,
and screams when she comes in. It has also been difficult for me to
leave for work or school. While she says he does not cry for long
after I leave, the anxiety seems to be a red flag, in my opinion.
While my son�s grandmother was gone (as aforementioned), his father
babysat him a few times. The first couple times that I left him with
his father, he was fine. Then, it seemed to go downhill. The next
few times I had to leave, my son screamed and cried and became
horribly anxious. To the best of my knowledge, nothing negative
happened during this time. On the topic of his father, we are in the
process of renewing our relationship and family. He was not a
constant during the first two years of his son�s life, and did not
bond or interact properly. My son is displaying very unusual
behaviors when it comes to his him. When he hears him or sees him,
my son will say something along the lines of �No want daddy!�, then
proceed with a tantrum and/or to hit at, pinch, etc. his father. We
have tried ignoring these behaviors, as well as telling him that it
is rude and unacceptable. This has escalated since his father
recently babysat him.
You sound like you have very good ideas as to what is causing your
son's anxiety. It sounds like he has always had a temperament where
separation caused him perhaps greater anxiety than some children his
age, however, since his primary babysitter (which was grandma) said even
though he cried he calmed himself after a few minutes then all that was
developmentally appropriate. All kids go through separation, some more
intensely than others and even though it subsides for a while, it does
come back during transitions such as moving, a new caregiver, preschool,
kindergarten. It would also be appropriate for him to have some anxiety
around new children, but as you said he typically will warm up after a
few minutes and play, which again is fine for his age. His grandmother's
departure for a week as his primary caretaker while you were at work,
coupled with being babysat by his Dad who is basically a "new" person to
him would certainly be enough of a life transition for him to provoke an
anxiety reaction. Since he is not yet 3 and does not have the language
or cognitive skills to understand or express his feelings you are seeing
his anxiety being acted out in crying or hitting/pinching as a way of
telling you perhaps "I am confused", "I don't want Mommy to leave for
work", "I am not used to this new Daddy", and "I am afraid grandma may
leave again and not come back". But, all that is still "normal" for a
two year old.
For your son to build a healthy relationship with his Dad and
with other people in his world, he needs to work through his
separation anxiety and learn to calm himself with your family's help
and support, so quitting your job would not be in yours or his best
interest. If you are certain your son is safe with his Dad and
nothing negative has happened there, and Dad is willing to put up
with some crying and aggression and can show understanding and
remain patient without becoming angry, then your best bet would be
to continue this routine for your son. Any major routine change for
a toddler does as you stated "rock their world".
Often right after this change, behaviors will escalate and become
worse before they become better. Because separation is sometimes as
hard or harder on the parent than the child, the best thing you can
do is to remain positive, not let your son see that you are upset
leaving him and do not prolong goodbyes when he is crying. If he
senses you are having trouble leaving him, it can increase his
anxiety. Always give him advance warnings of routines such as "You
are going to Daddy's house today while Mommy is at work, Mommy will
be back to pick you up after work". Never sneak out on him thinking
this will help or keep him from crying, this is the worst thing you
can do to provoke his anxiety since now he doesn't know where you
went or if you're coming back...always (tears or tantrum) matter of
factly tell him "Mommy is going to work. Mommy will be back". When
you return make a big production about your return stating "See
Mommy is back from work, Mommy always come back". Sometimes you will
see tears of relief upon your return, but that doesn't mean that
anything bad happened to him while you were gone.
Make him a photo book with pictures of you and grandma in
it....even a picture of you at work so Dad can show him "Mommy is at
work". You can use a digital camera to make a photo book of his day
to help him learn to sequence the days events- a photo of him waking
up, a photo of him eating breakfast, a photo of him playing, a photo
of him with Dad, a photo of him eating lunch, bath, bed, etc. You
can also pick an object of yours as a transitional object, like a
tee shirt or piece of jewelry and when you leave, tell him "you keep
this for Mommy while she is at work and then I will get it when I
come to pick you up". You can also put your photo in a recordable
frame and record your voice saying "I love you, I will be back to
get you after work" etc so he can hit the message and hear your
voice whenever he feels anxious. Also read age appropriate books to
him about separation to him,
Amazon has several titles.
Try to think of something special that he just gets to do when
he's with Dad and with no one else, whether it's a certain game,
toy, special dvd or going to a park, etc. to help foster a positive
relationship.
This is a
link about separation that also talks about what is normal and
not normal.
Even though your son's current behavior is difficult and
frustrating right now, I still think it is developmentally within
normal limits and would definitely give him more time to adjust, be
patient, firm and consistent and definitely don't quit your job. If
you see no changes in his anxiety level after 3 months of
consistency or you see unusual red flags or new behaviors emerge you
could always consult a child psychologist for advice.
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Questions & Answers - Behavior Concerns
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