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Questions & Answers - Behavior Concerns
My 3-year old son has been dismissed from a second daycare
because of hitting and throwing chairs and I am at my wits end.
I am a single mother and his dad has never been in his life because
he's incarcerated. He's had timeouts (that don't work), had his toys
taken away along with television (he's ok with this) and I've just
reached out to his father's mom for help. She said that the dad was
difficult as a child and I am scared that my son will end up in
prison like his father.
This sounds like it is really frustrating and frightening for you.
Has your son ever been evaluated by early intervention for behavioral or
other developmental issues? It is hard for many child care centers to
handle behaviors in young children such as hitting, biting, throwing,
etc. and sadly we often hear of young children being excluded for these
behaviors instead of trying to help the family & child seek professional
help and support to minimize these behaviors. Since your son is over 3,
he is too old for the 0-3 early intervention services in your county,
however, he should still be able to be evaluated at the preschool 3-5
level. You might try calling someone at this
website
to obtain information on developmental/behavioral testing for your son
in Brooklyn.
The first step is finding out what is behind your sons hitting and
throwing behaviors: when they occur, what happens directly before they
occur, who they occur with and where they occur and what are the
consequences afterwards. For every behavior there is a reason behind it.
Young children lash out by hitting, biting & throwing for a variety of
reasons (and this list doesn't cover them all): A) they can't express
verbally that they are angry, upset or frustrated B) they are imitating
behaviors they see other children or adults do in real life or on TV C)
they don't like someone being too close to them or in their "personal
space" D) they are overly tired or hungry E) they want attention and
have learned this is a way to get it (even if it is negative attention)
F) Hitting, throwing, kicking and biting are fulfilling a sensory need
for the child (a child may have a sensory processing disorder).
The keys to changing a behavior are consistency and for young
children positive reinforcement is a big key as well. When a behavior
occurs, everyone needs to be responding to it in the same way, at home,
day care, grandmas, etc. For example, when Jack throws his car across
the room, he is told to go pick it up. If he does not pick it up he is
told matter of factly and in a calm tone by the adult "Jack, you need to
go pick up your truck or I will help you to go pick it up". If he picks
it up he is then told that "cars are not for throwing, they are for
driving on the floor" and "if you throw the car again Jack, it will be
put away". If he did not pick it up, the adult can walk him over to the
toy and assist him in picking it up and then repeat "cars are not for
throwing, they are for driving on the floor" and "if you throw the car
again Jack, it will be put away". If he does throw it again, it is taken
away for the rest of the day. But, keep in mind if he throws something
at home and is allowed to get away with it, and then throws something at
day care and simply gets yelled at and told "no throwing" and he throws
something at grandma's and gets a smack on the bottom, this behavior may
never change since it is being dealt with in an inconsistent manner by
all the people involved.
Many young children get into a pattern of acting out for attention
because over time they have learned that the only time adults are paying
attention to them and responding to them is when they are hitting or
throwing. They soon don't care if someone is yelling at them, scolding
them, smacking them, etc. they only know that it is adult attention and
that is what they are seeking. To change that pattern we need to "catch
children being good" and lavish the praise on them whenever they are
doing something positive or doing what we want them to do. They need to
learn that attention comes from doing things well and listening and
following rules, not for breaking rules or misbehaving. Many
preschoolers are still in the "no" stage and can be defiant and this is
not abnormal or unusual. But, if behaviors begin to disrupt learning or
classroom routines, then this can be a problem.
Consequences for behaviors should match the behavior, so taking TV
away in the evening because he hit another boy at day care would serve
no purpose since the behavior occurred hours earlier and there is no
association with the actual behavior that occurred. When he hits (or any
behavior that hurts someone) it does need to be dealt with firmly,
calmly and immediately and not with lengthy words or explanations or
hitting him back. So he is told "no hitting, hitting hurts, you made
Bobby cry" and he is removed from the situation immediately, while all
the attention should be lavished on the child who got hit, not on the
hitter himself. Time out is effective if used properly and consistently
for hurting behaviors. No more than 3 minutes since he is 3 years old.
When 3 minutes are up he is told again why he was in time out "You hit
Bobby and made him cry. Hitting hurts. We use nice touches with our
friends. Show me a nice touch".
You can even use dolls or stuffed animals and act out scenarios
with toys to encourage him to express feelings and learn it is ok to
be mad, we all get mad, but it is not ok to hit people when he is
mad. When he is angry teach him to use words "I am mad" and if he
has a need to lash out, let him take out his anger or frustration by
punching some pillows, etc. Some kids have a need to do this, so
it's a matter of letting them get it out in a more socially
appropriate way. Some child care centers have even created "quiet
corners" full of pillows and maybe a tent like structure where kids
can go when they need to be alone or need to kick and hit and burn
off steam...this can be more positive than going to "time-out" and
being told to sit in a corner in a chair. For some kids it's a
matter of recognizing their early anger or frustration brewing and
asking "do you need to go to the quiet corner?" and some kids will
go willingly because they need that break and that time to release
their frustration.
We have a lot of information on our web page about dealing with
behaviors in young children, and some of these links may be helpful to
you:
behavior management,
changing behavior,
negative feelings,
positive reinforcement, and
self-regulation. I would also suggest calling 718-522-7300 (All
About Kids NY) for more information and then setting up a meeting with
your son's day care staff and asking them to write up a formal "behavior
plan" detailing how their staff and your family will be dealing with
specific behaviors, and let them know that you want to actively work on
helping him learn to diminish these behaviors and that you need them to
meet you at least half way and help you work on the behaviors through
their teaching at day care and your teaching at home.
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Questions & Answers - Behavior Concerns
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