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Questions & Answers - Behavior Concerns
I have two darling granddaughters. One will be 2 soon and the
other is 19 months. They are both very different. My husband and I
babysit the 2 year-old two nights a week from 6 to 9:30 p.m. My
other little one lives in further away so we don't see her as
frequently. My inquiry is about jealousy. The two year old (Lisa) is
very possessive and attached to me and exhibits it with temper
tantrums when little Cassie is around. ON Thanksgiving both babies
were here.
As I prepared dinner, Lisa threw the worst tantrum I've ever
seen. I was the only one that could calm her and her father had to
finish making the gravy. I love both our little girls but I don't
know how to handle the jealousy/attachment situation - especially
when Cassie is with us. Lisa is an only child, as is Cassie, but
Lisa does not go to preschool, daycare or a play group. What can I
do to help her feel secure with me and be able to "share" me with
Cassie? I love them both dearly.
Since your granddaughters are so close in age and the two year-old is
not accustomed to "sharing" Grandma with anyone else, her acting out
behavior is fairly typical for her age. However, she does need to learn
that you can pay attention to her and the other child and in fact, you
will do this whether she likes it or not. This may mean putting up with
several tantrums which may get worse before they get better depending on
how strong willed she is and determined to get her way. What you want to
try your best to do is to lavish attention on Lisa only when she
participating in an activity calmly with you and Cassie. At their ages
they would not be expected to play together or share toys without your
adult guidance, they are both in the self-centered "me" & "mine" stage,
so the possessiveness related to toys and even people is developmentally
expected. But, with your help, both girls can learn to take turns and
share with your calm adult direction. Sharing without adult guidance
doesn't come in until around 3.5-4 years old.
Start by picking fun activities that you, Lisa and Cassie can do
together without sharing, such as coloring books and crayons-each
person can have their own book and 5 crayons for example. Or
Playdough, each person gets a can of dough for themselves. Or a bag
of Legos or blocks or even dress up cloths work. If you are going to
try reading a story, you may need to have duplicate books so Lisa
and Cassie can both hold their own copy while you read or name
pictures for them.
Keep your language simple, but reinforce that you are Cassie's
Grandma too (developmentally this is very hard for her to
understand). Make a big deal out of sharing your own things or food
"Grandma SHARED a bite of cookie with Cassie, can you SHARE a bite
of cookie with Cassie too?" Grandma gave Grandpa a block, can you
give a block to Grandpa? What nice sharing! You may get plenty of
"no's" and "mine's", but continue to reinforce and model good
habits.
Also, do not expect Lisa to want to share her toys that are kept
at Grandma's with Cassie, so be sure she has a few things that are
just "hers" that she does not have to share. Maybe make each child
their own bin of stuff that is just special for them and of course
duplicates of toys at this age is always a good idea, so if one has
a phone, instead of a meltdown, the other one can have one too.
When Lisa is at your house by herself, use a doll or teddy bear
to learn turn taking and sharing, so she can begin to do it with a
neutral inanimate object before she needs to practice it with Cassie
in person. You can also encourage her parent's to enroll her in a
play group or take her to story time at the library to engage in
some same age peer interaction when Grandma is not involved.
Put Lisa's feeling into words for her (something she cannot yet
do)..."Lisa is sad because I am talking to Cassie right now, but I
am Cassie's grandma too and I can play with Lisa AND Cassie at the
same time because I love them both" or "Grandma is tying Cassie's
show right now, when Lisa stops crying and shouting I will tie her
shoes too".
Music and finger plays are another great way to break the ice
with toddlers and work on turn taking. Sing songs like Twinkle
Twinkle or Wheels on the Bus where both girls can do hand gestures
to the songs. You can make song cards up using pictures that
represent the song titles and let the girls take turns choosing a
song to sing with you.
As for the tantrums, ignore, ignore, ignore...if Lisa gets
attention from Grandma every time she tantrums, she will learn that
she gets what she wants by acting out this way. Instead you want her
to learn that she will get attention from Grandma when she is
playing nicely alongside Cassie or otherwise not melting down in her
presence. Try to verbally prepare her in advance when Cassie is
coming for a visit and when Cassie leaves than give her some extra
special grandma time to reinforce how proud you are of her
tolerating the visit.
You can also make a sticker reward chart for sharing and her
collect 5 stickers or whatever you decided for sharing Grandma with
Cassie or other good behaviors and then she can get a special
reward.
PS: Thanksgiving is a tough time, as is any holiday, with
toddlers being thrust into new routines and schedules and maybe
being more tired and cranky than other times, which means even more
meltdowns. Hopefully you can practice on a non-holiday occasion when
routines & kids are calmer.
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