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Questions & Answers - Behavior Concerns
My 6 year old is literally out of control. You tell him not to
do something and he does it anyways; you yell at him for something
and he still does it. He keeps running and jumping onto our new
$1,500 living room set; he leaves trash laying around; he is always
being loud and he has peed, YES peed on the wall/floor 6 times since
moving into our house a month ago. I just spoke to him yesterday
about his behavior and said if he keeps it up, we are going to end
up out of this house with no place to go and he cannot bring any of
his toys along or his dog and I was hoping that would have some
effect on him but I woke up this morning to find he peed in his
room.
My boyfriend is at his wits end; he said if my son does not start
behaving, he is going to have to ask us to leave because he cannot
have him peeing all over the house like an animal. My son has had a
behavior problem for some time now but he has gotten worse since
moving here and before this he had not peed on the floor/wall. My
boyfriend does not want to hear anything I have to say about why he
is misbehaving. I am thinking it may be because he is missing my
parents. Up until now, we have lived with them his whole life or
that he is lonely because he has nobody to play with or spend time
with but my boyfriend refuses to consider any of that and says it is
because my son thinks he runs the house and thinks he can get away
with everything. I just took everything accept his bed and TV out of
his room which I feel horrible about but what am I suppose to do and
why is he acting like this?
It sounds like you have some realistic ideas as to why your son may
be behaving the way he is right now. Moving for any young child is a
MAJOR life transition and if your son lived with your parents for 6
years this is an even bigger transition for him than for other children
going through the same ordeal. Keep in mind this little guy is 6, not 10
or 12 and a 6 year old does not have the coping mechanisms that older
children or adults do, nor does he have the cognitive abilities or
expressive speech abilities to tell you exactly how he feels right now
so he is acting out his anger, frustration and perhaps even
depression/loss. He may not even know exactly why he is behaving the way
he is, other than it's a way for him to cry out "I miss my grandparents,
miss my old house, I miss my old room, I miss my old daily routine, this
is all new and very confusing to me!". I am sure you know how stressful
moving is for you, so imagine how a 6 year old would feel? Moving is
listed as one of the top life stressors for adults. Did you prepare your
son beginning several months ahead of time for this move, or did you one
day just suddenly move and uproot him from all he has known his entire
life? Ideally, for such a transition you would have wanted to have begun
with easing him into this transition in advance, reading books about
moving, talking about moving, actively including him in the process of
packing up his belongings and maybe making a few visits with him to the
new house to show him where his room would be, etc.
Toileting accidents are one of the number one stress induced
behaviors of moving for young children. Also, an increase in
aggression, insomnia, not eating, thumb sucking, clinginess,
headaches and belly aches, even lying and stealing can be side
effects of a move. It can take a young child as long as 6 weeks to
acclimate to a new home and/or school. Some behavior changes are
expected in children no matter what the age, preschool through high
school, when a move occurs.
My advice to you and especially your boyfriend is to have some
patience and instead of yelling at your son, offer him extra
support, extra individual attention and try to keep your daily
routine as close to his old one as possible. Whenever he is doing
what is expected of him, behaving well or not acting out lavish on
the praise and tell him what a great job he is doing. You want him
to be getting attention for anything positive he is doing and learn
that he gets attention for good behaviors not for misbehaviors. This
link talks about
positive reinforcement.
Be sure he is definitely getting enough sleep and enough to eat,
as tiredness and hunger will make his behaviors worse as well.
Right now, you and your boyfriend may be busy with unpacking
boxes and getting your move completed and so much of your attention
is going to things other than your son...he has learned that peeing
on the wall & jumping on the furniture and yelling surely gets both
of your attention..and even if you are yelling at him for these
behaviors or taking things away from him, he'll still go for this
negative attention over none at all.
He may not need that TV in his room, but his toys are probably
his only familiar security items at this time, so I wouldn't
recommend taking all those away. You can take a toy away if he
throws it, that is a natural consequence of his action, but taking
away a toy for other purposes probably will not have much meaning to
him. Another logical consequence would be, if he spills his milk,
you give him a rag and he cleans it up. So, also, if/when he pees on
the floor, he can also help clean it up.
You might want to create a corner with pillows and soft cushions
where he is allowed to jump (he may need to expend this energy), but
reinforce that it is not acceptable to jump on the couches.
Since he is only 6, you probably have some idea of his toileting
routine and he may still need reminded to go at times, so I would
encourage thinking back to your days of potty training and start
using a reward system for him. If a sticker chart will work use that
(I don't recommend using food), and go to the store with him and let
him pick what kind of stickers he wants and explain to him gently
that he is a big boy and needs to go in the potty like before and
that it is not acceptable to pee on the wall or floor, but it is ok
if he has an accident sometimes, it can happen. Make sure he is not
afraid of your new bathroom or toilet at the new house, as you would
surprised how many kids have fears of new or different toilets or
ones that flush differently. He may even need to wear a pull up at
night to avoid night accidents. Start by giving him a sticker each
time he pees on the potty and you can decide how many stickers he
needs to collect to receive a special reward or prize of your
choosing (it has to be some reinforcing to HIM). You can also make
behavior token jar, every time you catch him doing something good he
can drop a token into his jar (but, if he does not complete a task
or misbehaves a token is removed from his jar) and when he collects
a set amount of tokens each week he gets a special reward. You can
start him off with a few tokens for good measure.
Also, take time to talk to your son gently without judging him or
scolding him. Validate his feelings by saying "You miss your
grandparents don't you? I do too, let's plan to visit them on
Saturday" or "This must be scary for you moving to a brand new
house, tell me what you think about it". Also calmly go over the
rules for your new house, even writing them down and posting them on
the fridge, perhaps referring back to the old house "Remember at
grandma's house you were not allowed to jump on the furniture? Well,
you are not allowed to do that here either, each time you jump on
the furniture I will have to take one token out of your jar."
If your son is in kindergarten also speak to his teacher about
ways to help him cope. If he is not in school, I would suggest
finding a local playground to take him to so he can make new
friends, attend story time at the local library or enroll him in a
class that builds his self-esteem such as karate or a sport like
soccer.
Remember, behaviors do not change overnight, so even if you
implement these reward systems & changes you may not see a change
overnight or even in a week. The key to changing behavior is
consistency. Behaviors sometimes get worse before they get better
when a new plan is put in place to deal with them.
If after a month you still have concerns about your son's
behavior and he is not settling into his new routine or his
behaviors have become worse, you can look into visiting with a child
psychologist for an evaluation to rule out any underlying
behavioral issues.
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Questions & Answers - Behavior Concerns
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