We spend a great deal of time with families understanding the inner workings of routines and children.
Developing strategies to ensure that no matter what life hands us – we make it truly wonderful.
Much has been written about the importance of a child’s first five years of life.
The first few months and years of a baby’s life can have a profound impact on the baby’s ability to develop deep feelings of trust, pleasure and security. Called attachment, this special bond between a baby and caregivers is established after the infant routinely has his/her needs met by a loving, reliable and nurturing caregiver. Early attachments also have a pronounced influence on the baby’s overall brain development. Through these first attachments, the baby learns:
- I am loveable and have a joyous impact on the world.
- I am competent at getting these people around me to meet my needs, and I’m important enough that they want to.
- I can trust people to be there for me.
- The world is a safe, nurturing, predictable place to be.
If you adopt a child who has been living in an institutional setting, keep in mind that it’s often hard for children in these settings to become attached to the caregivers. The caregivers rotate in shifts and there are usually too few of them. A shortage of adult caregivers means the baby has few opportunities for face-to-face verbal or social communication. In addition, instead of being exposed to different surroundings and positions, young infants lie on their backs, swaddled, staring at the ceiling. A baby’s need for food and diaper changing is done according to the institution’s schedule, not according to the baby’s needs. When a baby cries out in pain or illness, he/she isn’t reliably comforted.
Older infants and toddlers are confined to playpens. Instead of being read to or exposed to painting or water play, older toddlers and preschoolers spend their days wandering around a playroom. When children are fed, it’s often not enough food and the mealtimes are rarely pleasant or times meant to develop social skills. Some children in institutions are also exposed to physical, sexual or emotional abuse in addition to neglect.
Raised in this type of setting, a child learns:
- “It’s every kid for himself.”
- Don’t trust adults – they might help you now, but probably won’t be around next time you need them. Adults aren’t that helpful anyway.
- Eat as much as you can, whenever you can.
- Be careful at night, that’s when you’re really on your own.
In order to survive in an institutional setting, children develop coping strategies. For example, some children need very little in the way of adult attention and get enough to meet their needs. Others develop self-stimulatory activities to entertain themselves. For others, withdrawing becomes the way they cope. Those who learned at an early age that adults wouldn’t always try to ease their pain either learn to ignore pain, or don’t bother to seek an adult’s comfort when hurt. While these strategies may be an effective way to deal with life in an institution, they can interfere with the child’s ability to develop a healthy attachment once they move into a nurturing family environment.
Once you understand what the child has gone through during the early months or years of his/her life, you can see the importance of taking the time to let the child become attached to you. To help start things off on a solid first step, pack toys that are small, lightweight and simple, such as: a soft blanket, cuddly baby doll, inflatable beach ball, toy car, bottle of bubbles, books – tactile books, lift-the-flap books, photo albums of your home and family, etc.
While adoption has a positive effect on children, the child doesn’t know this when he/she leaves the institution. The child only knows that he/she is leaving behind everyone and everything he/she has ever known. It is typical then, for the child to react with unexplained crankiness, clinginess or crying. The child might also regress in his skills or behavior. The following are ways to help the child learn to trust you:
- Meet your child’s emotional state, and attune yourself to that.
- Mirror your child’s expressions, vocalizations, level of excitement.
- Comfort your child over the grief he/she is feeling by leaving him/her old life behind.
- Look for opportunities to hold, snuggle, nurture, and soothe your child
Making sure your child’s basic needs are meet – satisfying his/her eating and sleeping needs, providing loving physical touch – are very important first steps to develop an attachment. In addition, games such as peek-a-boo or interactive toys you’ve brought from home are a playful way to promote much needed eye contact and pleasant interactions without promoting anxiety. Remember, it’s impossible to spoil your child by giving him/her too much attention or holding him/her too much!
In order to help your child develop a special relationship with you, it’s important that you spend a lot of time at home together during the first few months. Take as much time off from work as possible. While you might be tempted to take your child out to visit relatives or plan lots of fun activities, don’t. It’s best that you and your child can have quiet time at home. Warn friends and relatives who want to visit that they can only stay for a short period of time and the visit will need to be respectful of your child’s needs. Remember that your child is really a newborn psychologically, in an older person’s body.
Limit the number of people who hold, feed and snuggle with your child. If friends and relatives ask what they can do to help, suggest household chores, shopping, cooking, etc. so that you can spend more time with your child.
Don’t be alarmed by the amount of food your child wants to consume. Make sure you have plenty of formula for infants and toddlers and plenty of small, safe and not-too-messy snacks for older babies and up (Cheerios, cereal bars, etc.).
If you will be having your child attend a daycare center or be watched by a sitter while you work, make sure you find a caregiver who will be sensitive to your child’s attachment needs.
Eating:
Considering what your child’s life was like in an institution, it’s only natural that adopted children at first are tempted to eat huge amounts of food – so let them! Learning to trust the parents to always provide enough for them is a powerful part of the attachment process. In addition, it’s healthy for children to learn that they can stop eating when they are full, and trust that more food will be available when they need it later.Older children might hide or hoard food – an adaptive behavior learned in an environment where there was never enough food. You can help your child overcome this by leaving healthy, safe and not-too-messy snacks readily available and visible to your child. By showing your child that whenever he/she needs food you will provide it for him/her will help your child become attached to you.
If your child struggles with eating, there could be two causes. First, it could be motor coordination problems resulting from the unpleasant feeding practices he experienced in the orphanage. Or second, the child may struggle with food because of a sensory aversion. To overcome this, start with whatever the child will eat or drink and gradually work up in texture and variety. Once they experience warm and nurturing feeding practices, most children will begin to expand the variety and volume of their food intake.
If your child struggles with eating for more than a few weeks, consult a feeding therapist.
Sleeping:
To understand why your child might have problems sleeping, think again about life in an orphanage. Until he/she came into your home, he/she probably never experienced sleeping alone in a room or in the dark.Anxieties are often more intense when a child is tired, and considering that your child’s life has just changed abruptly, you’ll need to provide love and patience to help your child adjust. The words, “Whenever you need me/us, we’ll be there,” can be helpful. If your child sleeps better with you in the same room, feel free to do so. A mattress on the floor of the child’s room might help. As your child becomes more and more secure in his/her attachment to you, you’ll be able to gradually wean yourself out of his/her bedtime and sleeping routines.
The goal is to provide as much support as your child needs, but as little as he/she lets you get away with. Eventually, you’ll be able to have a pleasant bedtime routine and a restful sleep for everyone.
Adapted from the International Adoption Health Services of Western Pennsylvania, Pediatric Alliance, PC